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Here · we · go...
Good luck.
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So I pretty much only use this...never. But every once in awhile, I get the urge to write something, so I delve into my memory and I hope I can remember my log on for livejournal. And yaaay I did this time.
So yeah...tomorrow evening, I leave for the Florida Keys. For the rest of the summer. I have effectively moved out of my house. Next summer I'll probably be back for a maximum of 2 weeks before I start an internship somewhere, and after that, I'm graduating a year early, so I guess real life starts in pretty quickly.
And I am scared shitless.
I am the kind of girl who loves her home and her parents, had a great time growing up, and never expected to leave early. Still not completely sure why I am... I mean, I have a multitude of reasons, but tonight, after all my friends left from saying goodbye, I just started wondering why. I think its a lot harder because this is probably the last night I'll ever spend in this house. My parents want to downsize (but stay in the area), so next time I come back to visit, it will most likely be a different house (if they can find a place they like). So yeah...this house, which has...gah...so many memories. I'm saying goodbye to it tomorrow. So much has happened here. I think most of my close friends have some insane memory of this house, especially the neighborhood over the summers, or school projects till odd hours of the morning, etc. This is so much harder than I thought it would be.
And I'm also sad to be leaving my parents. I know I'll see them soon, but I also know that I'm moving out, and it'll never be quite the same. And they know I'm moving out, which is extremely difficult for them, and I hate to think of how sad they're going to be.
There is a large part of me that just wants to say NO. WAIT. STOP. I'm not leaving. I need one more summer of being a kid and being in Portland. I need one more summer of living in this house and being with my friends, of timbers games and beach trips, vegging in front of the tv and lunch dates with my dad. What the hell am I doing? Why am I leaving this amazing life that I have? I don't have a clue. This is bad. I'm talking myself out of this. This is a great opportunity - living in Key West for a summer, working but having fun - when am I going to get another chance like this? After this summer I have to start internships and such.
Which then again makes me go back to wondering why I'm leaving...shouldn't I spend my last free summer with my friends, in a place that I know? Just being a teenager? This is my last chance to do that.
Okay, now I'm just going insane. I should not be sitting here talking myself out of this. I'll figure it out tomorrow. Maybe. Or maybe I'll just do it and hope everything turns out for the best? I kind of feel like if I don't leave now, I never will. Its like taking off a band-aid...just ripping it off ends up being easier in the end.
Unless it reopens the wound. |
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P.S. - My life makes me laugh. And if you knew all of the details, you'd probably find it pretty funny too. |
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I usually don't do these quiz things. But I'm procrastinating, and the result was too great not to post. Not only that, but the questions on this thing were hilariously sarcastic.
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HAPPY
NEW
YEAR!!!
Figured I'd do one last (useless) post in 2006 :-P.
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Alright, I know I just posted, but I was reading through some old entries and found this, that I had actually written on the flight home from visiting McDaniel. It was a tok journal entry in which I was asked to describe something that is not typically considered beautiful: As I lay in the theatre, I can smell fresh sawdust as it floats through the air, mixed with the pungent scent of wet paint. There is a drill going somewhere behind a wall, competing with the sounds of Queen coming from the speakers above. The cool surface of the wood stage is against my back, only interrupted by the ratty tee-shirt on my back and my painting jeans. I can see a loose screw out of one eye - I’ll have to pick that up in a minute. As for now, I am staring up into the top of the stage. I can see the flies - some with their curtains, some with lights, some with brand-new drops, and others bare, ready for hanging another aid to the audience’s imagination. Above the black bars and wires is the grid - horribly dusty, I’m sure, but unreachable because of the office’s insistence on alarming it. Even beyond that, visible through the metal of the grid, is the plain, tan, cement roof. A few bare bulbs protrude from it, some working, most not. Swaying in front of all of my vision is Stella, our golden curtain of cheap streamers, rarely ever used but always there, glittering as if remembering her glory days in 42nd Street or Guys and Dolls, waiting for the next time she is lowered to dance in front of the hot lights and frame each dancer with her delicate movements. It is three days from opening, and I feel completely at home. I still don't know how I feel about this whole theater thing. I know that I can still do shows and such, but its like in my heart I know that theater being my life, being what defines me - that's over. And that is a weird feeling. I'm sure I'll write more later.
And how was your day?: |
 confused | |
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I dropped out of the show. My procrastination has actually gotten worse instead of better (I really was trying). I never sleep. And I absolutely, without a doubt, LOVE college. McDaniel is perfect. Life is excellent. (Except for one tiny little thing that will hopefully change soon...we'll see :-)). |
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Today was one of those days that exemplified exactly what I love about college. For the morning, I woke up around noon, had breakfast, and did homework outside in the quad because of the perfect weather with a few friends. That right there was great, and then we went to Wal-mart to get fish for Izzy, which she is insanely excited about...seriously, I think every college student should get fish. They are so much fun. And then came my highlight - we stopped by the Starbucks in Safeway! (I haven't had Starbucks since Aug 21st. Something is wrong with that.) Then it was take out chinese food in Izzy's room and more studying on the hill by the gazebo (I love weather where you can still study outside at night). Then we went and watched the season premiere of Family Guy, then we watched Rent! (And sang along with the whole thing, of course). Came back, cleaned a little bit, hung out with my suitemates... I don't know, it was just one of those perfect days. And then I look up at the date, and realize its now September 11th...talk about irony. I can't believe how lucky I am to never have had to deal with any extremely serious loss, like so many families and friends did after that date. Although I know I will have to someday...its not something I like to think about. I'm scared of how I would deal with it. But I wish I could do something, somehow show the immense respect I have for all of those families and friends who lost someone five years ago, do something to make it better. And I will. The more I learn about the screwed up mess that is the middle east, the more I am determined to go into international relations, and really make a difference. In memory of those lost on September 11th, and in honor of those that had to continue on without them, I will make a difference.
And how was your day?: |
determined. |
The soundtrack to my life...: |
Rent | |
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Alright, so at the auditions for Urinetown, my other ASM (Jes, who by the way, is awesome) and our SM (Emica, also pretty cool) physically kicked my ass onto the stage to make me audition. And I got cast!!! The director offered me the choice of staying ASM or being in the show, and I chose the show (I'm only ensemble, but the cast is only like 15 people, so its cool). I then ran out of the theatre and jumped 6 steps and did a happy dance in the middle of campus. WHEEEEE! |
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I don't have a whole lot of time to update, but I just wanted to say that I'm actually pretty happy here - I've met most of my profs, and they seem AMAZING, my roomate is wonderful, the people I'm meeting are pretty cool, the campus is gorgeous, etc. I had my first production meeting today for Urinetown, and I really like the people in theatre and my director. So generally I'm happy (although it is WAY too humid here. I want to die). So there you go! Hope everyone else is enjoying college or their last days of summer. Miss you all!!
And how was your day?: |
 content |
The soundtrack to my life...: |
Breakfast at Tiffany's - Deep Blue Something | |
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Well, I’m on the final flight to Baltimore, and of course I’ve already managed to run the battery down halfway before starting this entry, so it may end up being quite short, but I figured I should do one considering I haven’t written a decent entry in months. I’m not really sure what to say though, because there is so much to say. I’m leaving for college. I guess wrapped up in that sentence is everything – both the heart breaking idea of saying goodbye and yet the excitement that I have for starting anew. I always look forward to a new beginning, a chance to remake myself, meet new people, etc. But when actually confronted with the situation, I realize that there’s a second part to that equation – the ending of what came before. When I moved to Portland six years ago, I never imagined that I could ever become as attached to it and the people I would meet as I have. Of course, I was devastated (and pissed off) to be leaving California, so that was probably a major factor in those thoughts. Either way, I still can’t believe just how hard I fell for Portland – it is such an amazing city, and I of course (being my procrastinating self) only managed to really start exploring it since this last spring. I guess the realization that I should have had a lot longer to get to know the ins and outs of Portland is a good part of what is making this goodbye so hard – I know that there is so much left to do. I don’t know if I’ll ever come to love another place like I love Portland – I travel a lot, I’ve been (and had a lot of fun in) a lot of places, but it really is a unique city. If you happen to be one of those people staying there and haven’t started really exploring it, I suggest you start now. And then of course, there are the people. There are the people I’ve known since I moved here (Corrin, Rachel, and the whole neighborhood) and those that, when I think about it, I really haven’t known for that long (Gemma, Katy, etc). And everyone in between. And I hate leaving them, because no matter how much we say it will be, it won’t be the same. We’re growing up, we’re leaving. I’m going to miss my finicky theatre (even with all of the outdated and frustrating equipment), and the beautiful view I get every time I drive down Blackhawk (especially at sunset), and Toby, and this list will go on forever and just depress me. So lets just say I’m going to miss pretty much every part of Portland, both good and bad. And I don’t even want to think about leaving my family…it’s a really weird thought. I know I’ll be coming back to visit and for the summer and such, but it really is the beginning of a new stage in my life, where my home will be elsewhere, somewhere besides the second house to the end on the left, where my dad is probably swearing at the car while my mom is watching golf and Toby is running around like a maniac. What is even weirder to think about is my room being empty. I know that seems like an odd thing to think about, but for some reason it gets to me, just knowing that my parents will go in there to get something out and it just won’t be the same (hey, it’ll be clean!). This is a really messed up entry, probably not making much sense – mostly just me spilling my thoughts, but oh well. Wheee lots of turbulence going on right now. Oh! Funny story about my first flight today (Portland to Dallas). So about 20 minutes into the flight, a flight attendant walks by and bangs on the floor with her shoe. Then I overhear them talking, and it turns out that there is knocking coming from the baggage compartment and they think a baggage handler was locked in there. It turns out it was just luggage or the plane pressurizing or something, but it was still quite odd. Alright I just realized that I need to use this in Baltimore but my charger is in a suitcase I won’t be opening till I unpack at college, so I’ll just end this rambling entry here. I’ll update again…at some point. I’ve given up on the idea of regular entries (or even ones that make sense), so expect sporadic long ones interspersed with really random one-sentence entries. I’ll miss you everyone. A lot. Be safe. And enjoy life.
And how was your day?: |
 nostalgic | |
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Warning: I will be crying a lot over the next few days. Just thought I'd prepare everyone.
And how was your day?: |
surreal... |
The soundtrack to my life...: |
Breakfast At Tiffany's - Deep Blue Something | |
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I have to come to the conclusion that while listening to Barenaked Ladies while driving, it is a requirement to have the windows down and music blaring.
It is quite odd that 2 out of my 3 last posts have been not only about music, but about just one band. Especially with the fact that I leave for college in 7 days exactly, have about a million other things on my mind, just spent the weekend on Rodeo Drive (which made me do mucho thinking about our society and life in general), and have lots of other exciting (and not so exciting but needing to be said things) to talk about.
Maybe I just have the feeling that once I start writing I could spend hours doing it...and I really don't want to take that kind of time from the little I have left and spend it on a computer. But maybe I will. Maybe I'll type a long one on the plane to Maryland and post it when I get there. We'll see.
But I will say this. I leave next Monday. If I haven't seen you recently and gotten to say goodbye...I want to. Name a date. I don't care when or what - I just don't want to leave and not get to say goodbye to everyone that meant something to me...which, if you're reading this journal, you fall under that category. Unless you're a random websurfer...then I don't know what you're doing reading this because there are many more interesting things out there. Back to the goodbyes though - I really am serious, I want to see you all.
PS - Gemma and I are going to go learn how to windsurf on the gorge this Wednesday. How exciting is that?
And how was your day?: |
thoughtful and scared |
The soundtrack to my life...: |
Barenaked Ladies - Brian Wilson | |
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Seriously, I hate computers.
I just changed my lj layout thingy (as you can probably tell), but now when I hit return, sometimes shows up as being able to skip lines, but mostly it just goes to the next line, no matter how many times I do it!
Does anyone have any solutions?
Oh, and if anyone has this layout (or just understands these things) - why does it sometimes do the fancy letter at the beginning and sometimes not?
Blargh. |
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Has anyone else but me just been in a funk lately? What, am I to wake up suddenly and then
enroll at the local college, earn me a degree
and I could work weekends?
If I've worked real hard
I could mow your back yard
I can go to Europe, travel with my friends
I can blow a thousand deutsche marks
to get drunk in a pub with some Australians
Buy a giant backpack
sew a flag on the back
I think never is enough
I never want to do that stuff
I think never is enough
You never have to do that stuff
I never had to spend a summer planting trees
I never worked my way through a forest inch by inch
doubled over on my hands and knees
I never spent a single day in retail
telling people what they want to hear
telling people anything to make a sale
Eating in the food court
with the old and the bored
I think never is enough
I never want to do that stuff
I think never is enough
You never have to do that stuff
The worlds your oyster shell
But what's that funny smell
You eat the bivalve anyway
you're sick with salmonella
You get your Ph.D
How happy you will be
When you get a job at Wendy's
And are honored with employee of the month
I think never is enough
I never want to do that stuff
I think never is enough
You never have to do that stuff
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AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I AM ASSISTANT STAGE MANAGER FOR MY COLLEGE'S FALL SHOW!
AND ITS URINETOWN!!!!
HOLY CRUD!!!!
Wow. I am so happy I actually have tears in my eyes. And that is not an exageration in any way.
I'm not even really sure how it happened. My freshman seminar class is a theatre class (I actually wanted another class, but I ended up with this, but it all turned out for the best), and therefore my advisory is a theatre professor. Somehow she heard that I'm interested in stage managing, and offered the position!
I can't write anything else for this entry. I'm too freaking excited.
Well there goes the idea of taking it easy my first semester :-P.
Haha I have to add Rebecca's comment on hearing the news:
RabidConfusion (12:03:40 AM): I can hear your evil laugh from all the way over here.
RabidConfusion (12:04:06 AM): "First McDaniel's theatre department....then the world!" |
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I'm sitting here, scared out of my wits that I chose the wrong college. It doesn't have International Relations as a major (yes, it has a design your own major program...but what the hell was I thinking!?). Contrary to all of their numbers that I looked at, now that I've started talking to students a lot, I find out that it is a commuter school and that almost everyone, especially freshmen, go home on the weekend. People are talking about muggings in Westminster, the small town that my college is in that looked quaint, safe, and generally great to me. And there are reports of bed bugs in a ton of the dorms...? And I really really really don't want to leave Portland, or my parents, or my house, or my friends. Crap.
And how was your day?: |
 terrified | |
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Yet another random picture to go with a random entry. (Yes, I know, my last few entries haven't had pictures, but I wouldn't really consider them entries...). I quite adore this picture. Juliette and I did an amazing job on the bulk of the drawing, with our many symbols and such. Eric's picture of conception in the upper right corner is classic, and of course there is Aaron's mural in the lower right corner of the corner (or, for this specific instance, utopia) of sad. On to other things... My mom and I were discussing this, and we decided that I have the weirdest injuries ever...the top three being: 3) Last August (I think? maybe the year before?) we went to Hawaii, and I got an ear infection, which isn't that odd - swimmer's ear happens. But then it got worse. And worse. And it got to the point that when we went to see the top ear specialist at OHSU, he said it was by far the worse ear infection he'd ever seen. 2) This Friday - I fainted in the Dr's office (I'd had 4 shots and I guess I had a reaction to one of them) and managed to get whiplash on the way down. It takes talent. and the number 1 weirdest way I've ever gotten hurt: 1) Fall of this year - a desk in my history class collapsed while I was sitting in it and gashed my leg open. Yeah, I'm a weird kid, what can I say. Oh! And when I broke my wrist when I was about six, it was because I was jumping off the top of a bunk bed onto a regular bed for the fun of it and messed up that time. Good grief. I feel like I should be writing about the huge changes that are happening right now and how weird I feel about graduation and everything, and in fact I do have a lot to say about it...but I guess I'm just not in a thoughtful mood. I will say this though - I am definitely conflicted about everything going on right now. I mean, I've finally figured out how to enjoy high school, and now its over. But shouldn't I be looking forward to summer, and ultimately, college? GAH! And how on earth am I going to feel when its actually over???? I don't know if its quite hit me yet. I mean, yes, I realize that high school, the period of time that I have changed the most during, is ending, and yes I have all of the various emotions going on...but I don't know if its really hit me yet. And when it does, what will my reaction be? I have this weird feeling that Rachel and I may end up repeating our last day of 8th grade - sob at school, and then come home and sob while sitting on my kitchen floor. And then I'm sure we'll find fun and wondrous things to do with our newfound freedom, but there will be crying involved that day, believe me. And, of course, me saying that I'm barely going to write anything about something leads to three (albeit short) paragraphs. OH! I watched Dr. Strangelove tonight w/ the fam. Um...weirdest movie EVER? I suppose I might have enjoyed it more had I not been tired, in a slight amount of pain, and generally in a grumpy mood...but thats a pretty iffy assumption. I just couldn't get into the darn thing. Of course, Dr. Strangelove himself was hilarious, and Peter Sellers was amazing as always...but still. Eh. Even though its 11pm and I'm exhausted because I haven't really slept the last 2 nights, I'm considering going downstairs to watch a movie, because even though I'm physically exhausted my brain is going in a million different directions. So yes. Ciao. More to come, I'm sure. Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room! |
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Doesn't it suck when you're convinced you're doing great, then something happens and you realize you've only been trying to convince yourself? |
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I don't have time to make an actual update - I just wanted to say that I find it really odd that not a single one of my friends posted on May 19th... Yeah. |
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jessicubbie's journal
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